You're Wondering the Once Unthinkable: Not Caring for Aging Parents

Euphoric, Brad Karp drove from college to the hospital to show his dying father the acceptance letter from Harvard Law School. 

But, in addition, Karp told his mother he would go to Yale Law School, where he was also accepted, to be located close enough to help her out. She turned down the offer. 

That was 45 years ago. Back then this now partner at Paul, Weiss was ready to do what adult children did at the time: sacrifice to care for a vulnerable parent.

Now, that value is being questioned. Often, with great confusion, plus seething resentment and some guilt. 

More and more in tarot readings clients are essentially asking "permission" to ask if they "have to" be responsible for their parents as they age. That ranges from hands-on care to any legalities. In the tarot that internal turmoil is depicted by the Tower card.

Those askers are in their 40s. They're spotting decline in parents. Vividly they're also having flashbacks from childhoods which weren't ideal. Some were abusive. Trauma was common.

This is an era, as The Wall Street Journal documents, when it's even becoming acceptable to cut off all contact with parents. Some therapists endorse that. 

Meanwhile, in less extreme situations lifestyles have so changed that direct caretaking isn't possible. Typical are situations such as:

Geographical distance. Lives would have to be uprooted

Two-income households. Both are needed. To take a time-out for caretaking might mean never getting back in the game. Or, the return would be at a lesser level. 

Longevity. The responsibility could go on for 30 years.

Growing examples of the toll caretaking inflicts. That ranges from nervous breakdowns to heart attacks. Offspring bear witness to that and do some cold-hearted thinking about a future duty to parents.

An option, of course, is the administrative approach such as arranging for paid forms of assistance. But the cost of that in time and money can impose an unwelcome burden. Bankruptcies among caretakers are becoming common.

Although tarot readers can't give legal advice we can inform on the law. 

Half the states do have filial responsibility laws. These statutes in theory allow a parent or, in some circumstances, a nursing home or government agency to seek financial support from an adult child if the parent can't pay. But they are rarely enforced, with the exception of some court cases in Pennsylvania.

In addition, those on the fence about future caretaking shouldn't sign on for power of attorney or other legal responsibilities. 

Once clients realize they can actually think the once-unthinkable they are shocked: Their choices become clear to them. Purged are so much of the confusion, ambivalence and attachment to traditional oughts.

Some are conducting those "difficult conversations" with parents about what could be ahead. That what-is-ahead is that they won't be in the loop for caretaking.

The implications of this trend are huge. 

Financial advisors, for instance, will have to warn clients to sock away enough to pay for their own caretaking. 

Government will have to establish more modes of assistance. 

And the population will have to take better care of themselves so to put off longer the need for caretaking. That includes eating habits. 

Full Disclosure: My parents died relatively young. At the time those unexpected deaths were jarring. Later as I observed my peers struggling with caretaking I realized I had, yes, gotten off the hook.

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Jane Genova, 3^rd Generation Psychic 203-468-8579, janEgenova374@gmail.com